The so-called high emotional intelligence, not only can talk
"A person's achievement, 20% depends on his IQ, 80% depends on emotional intelligence."
This is what we generally think of as the importance of emotional intelligence to the development of a person's life. Because people with high emotional intelligence tend to be peaceful and good at communication, they are like a duck to water in interpersonal relationships and can quickly achieve their own goals in life.
However, there is often a misunderstanding about how to improve emotional intelligence, thinking that "high emotional intelligence means being able to speak", in the book "high emotional intelligence is practiced", the author Sheri van Dijk - Positive Dialectical Behavior Therapy One of the promoters - but believes that improving emotional intelligence is definitely not just as simple as "speaking".
The so-called high emotional intelligence, not only can talk
The abbreviation of emotional intelligence in English is EQ, and the word corresponding to the letter E is "Emotion", which translates to "emotion".
If you use Baidu entry to search, it will tell you that improving emotional intelligence is actually turning "uncontrollable emotions" into "controllable emotions", thereby enhancing your ability to understand and get along with others.
Therefore, if you want to improve your emotional intelligence, the most basic thing is to do a good job of "emotion management".
- Original and derived emotions
Take a simple example:
You are driving home when a car suddenly changes lanes and speeding. What does your mood change look like?
At first, you will feel dangerous, even a little scared, so turn the wheel to avoid the car;
But right away, you think the other person must have done it on purpose, so you start to feel anger and drive aggressive behavior to overtake the car in front of you.
The so-called high emotional intelligence, not only can talk
In this scene, the emotion of "feeling dangerous" that appears at first is called primary emotion; and the emotion that is stimulated by the idea of "the other party is intentional" is called derived emotion.
In the end, whether or not to act "tit for tat" is controlled by derived emotions.
That said, in the vast majority of our irrational behavior, derived emotions are the real culprits.
The key to good emotional management is to learn to control your derived emotions and not let them interfere with your judgment on things.
- Four ways to improve emotional control
Method 1: Train your ability to focus on yourself.
Self-focus, that is, pay attention to what you are doing at the moment, try not to make subjective judgments on what has happened, and avoid causing negative derivative emotions.
for example:
Xiaoxiao was late for work today and missed a very important morning meeting. It made her feel so guilty that she was so annoyed all day that she sent the wrong important email to a client and lost an important project...
This is the result of focusing too much on the past and ignoring the "present".
How to avoid such a situation? In the book "High Emotional Intelligence is Practiced", the author introduces a method of using imagination.
You can use your imagination to materialize your emotions and thoughts and let them leave you in a certain way.
For example, imagine yourself sitting on the grass and watching your thoughts float away with the clouds in the sky; or imagine yourself at the beach, writing negative thoughts on the sand and watching them get washed away by the waves.
As Tagore said, "If you cry because you miss the sun, you will miss the stars."
As long as you don't immerse yourself in the pain of the past, derived emotions will have a much less impact on you.
The so-called high emotional intelligence, not only can talk
Method 2: Observe yourself without judgment.
Many people feel angry and deny themselves when they are angry or hurt.
If you do something wrong, you will think that you are incompetent;
If the other party did something wrong, he would feel that he was guilty.
Acceptance and change are also necessary to improve emotional control.
A few days ago, a friend just bought a new umbrella and lost it. She has been annoyed and feels like an idiot. She has been depressed for several days, and she feels dizzy during the meeting.
This is a negative emotion that can be comforted and accepted with thoughts such as "no one is perfect" and "mistakes are inevitable" instead of "I'm an idiot".
Then replace it with a more positive thought, such as "This situation is terrible, but only temporarily." "I can get through it," etc.
The so-called high emotional intelligence, not only can talk
Method 3: Learn to balance thinking.
Xiao Li is the person in the team who is often referred to as "capable people work harder". Originally, he felt that his colleagues were more leisurely than him, and when the boss added new tasks to him, Xiao Li felt that he was bullied and especially wronged.
But he desperately wanted to yell at his boss and then walk away with a resignation letter.
But he didn't do this, but he gritted his teeth and persevered, waiting to talk to the boss after he calmed down.
Because he knew that if he acted impulsively, he could cost himself a source of income.
This is a balanced way of thinking, that is, thinking about long-term goals before making effective decisions.
A little trick:
When you can't, imagine how you would persuade a friend if he was in a similar situation?
The so-called high emotional intelligence, not only can talk
Method 4: Deal with emotional crises.
If you have done all the first three points, but you still encounter strong emotions that are beyond your control, this situation is called an "emotional crisis."
How to deal with it?
First, use the "friend" lens, consider yourself a friend, and write a letter about the situation that is irritating you right now, and what you really want to change.
Second, find ways to distract yourself by making a comfort list for yourself and thinking about the things that make you happy.
Finally, list a crisis response plan, including: what caused this emotional crisis, what usually happens when you fall into such emotions, what you can do to divert attention, etc.
If you have an early warning plan in advance, the damage of emotional crisis to you will be greatly reduced.
It's like, although fire is terrible, if you find out the escape routes and the necessary common sense in advance, your chances of survival will be much improved.
The so-called high emotional intelligence, not only can talk
- Write at the end
High emotional intelligence is not just about speaking, what you say is just an appearance, and whether you can control your emotions is the key.
The last thing to remind everyone is: just watching and not practicing, it is all fake.
I hope we can practice and apply these high emotional intelligence training skills in our lives, starting from recognizing emotions and learning to control them, so as to improve our emotional intelligence index and increase our happiness in life.