You think you are high emotional intelligence, but in fact you are trying to please

I have always felt that I have a high emotional intelligence. It was not until a few years ago that I found out that I am a personable personality. So how do you distinguish between pleasing and high emotional intelligence?

The difference is: people with high emotional intelligence delight others, and by the way they delight themselves, and what they gain is a sense of accomplishment. And to please others is to please others, give up oneself first, and gain a sense of security. Are you the former or the latter?

01

The book "The Courage to Be Hated" tells us that the reason we please others is because we are too afraid of being hated. And we are afraid of being hated because we are afraid of not being recognized, afraid of getting hurt in relationships.

Therefore, by pleasing others to reach an emotional alliance, avoid setting up an object of attack, so as to obtain a relaxed interpersonal environment for yourself.

When a person is in the process of pleasing or satisfying others, he will naturally gain good impression, good attitude, and even good evaluation from others. It is indeed very happy to be recognized by others, and he will also feel valued and have a sense of accomplishment. These benefits can certainly help us eliminate inferiority complex and increase self-confidence. But does it really need to be recognized? not necessarily.

For example, the trash can in the office is full, and you take the initiative to empty it, but no one around notices it, or even if it does, no one says a word of thanks or praise. So, will you continue to fall in the future?

Many people answered that maybe not in the future.

This is the danger of the desire for approval. Are you doing it for recognition, or do you want to do it yourself? What's more, it is very painful and lacks self-confidence if it is not recognized, and such a personality cannot be called sound.

02

People with pleasing personalities will have such a limiting belief that they can only appreciate their "worthiness" when they are recognized by others.

In fact, as long as it exists there is value. Please don't use the "behavior" standard to view yourself and others by the "existence" standard. Instead of judging by what you have done, express joy and gratitude for the very existence of yourself and others.

There is no doubt that we are already useful and valuable to others simply because we are here. Whose existence is not a value to the family? Moreover, you can also discover your own unique sense of value from yourself, which is the key to getting rid of the flattering personality.

"Father of modern self-psychology" Adler once said: All troubles stem from interpersonal relationships. The quest for the approval of others stifles our freedom.

The price of freedom in relationships is being hated by others. However, please don't forget that the courage to be happy also includes "the courage to be hated".

No one wants to be hated, but no one can be liked by everyone. More important than being liked is to live for yourself and make yourself better. Once you have this kind of courage, your relationships will suddenly become easier.

If I had to choose between "a life that everyone likes" and "a life that some people hate", I would choose the latter without hesitation. Because I care more about how I'm doing than how others see me.