Can you accept that you are just an ordinary person who is not good? If not, what should I do?
Recently, my friend Xiao C encountered a low point in his career.
She said she was a little depressed.
"I like to make plans for myself, but in reality, I can't accomplish it. I'm this kind of person. As long as one goal can't be accomplished, I don't want to do anything else. For example, I want to get up at 8 o'clock, but it doesn't work. Then I don't want to start the next task that day."
The bad mood that started in the morning is like a long line of dominoes, being pushed down one by one.
During the day, I feel depressed and can't keep up my spirits, and I often stay up late at night watching TV shows and watching mobile phones. The culprit behind this series of setbacks is her desire to pursue efficiency and perfection in her heart.
She wanted to know what she could do to make herself less perfect and live a normal, ordinary life.
Can you accept that you are just an ordinary person who is not good? If not, what should I do?
- Why do perfectionists often fail?
In the eyes of most people, it is not a bad thing to like the pursuit of excellence. After all, such people are often successful and have status in society.
However, people who pursue excellence are also divided into two categories: one has healthy and reasonable pursuit goals, and constantly uses actions to correct themselves; the other is utopian, extreme passive perfectionism, and collapses when setbacks.
Xiao C is like this. She often sets unreasonable and difficult goals for herself. Although in the early days of the trial, such a goal would make her feel that she was very good and stronger than others, but the subsequent setbacks would quickly destroy her mentality.
For example, she once wanted to lose weight, and then found an "extreme weight loss method" from the Internet. This method requires the dieter to adopt an extreme diet plan and strictly enforce it.
Regrettably, there was always a moment when she could no longer endure the temptation of delicious food. After a sip of ice cream, she felt a sense of failure, and then she punished herself psychologically and physically.
Can you accept that you are just an ordinary person who is not good? If not, what should I do?
This bite of ice cream is a fuse, and then Little C will feel self-defeating, and simply eat up a big box, and then eat all the food that can be seen in front of him.
In the eyes of a perfectionist, the world has only two options: either execute perfectly according to the plan, or simply give up.
Sadly, they are not happy even after eating the ice cream, because the failure to plan increases their sense of failure and defines themselves as a loser.
To sum it up: perfectionists think more and do less. Because I think too much to do things right at one time, it leads to poor action; because I am afraid of failure, I try to think and prepare as much as possible, and as a result, a lot of time is wasted. Dominated by fear because of fear of failure, so the mentality is unbalanced.
The pursuit of perfection leads to ignorance of action and a fragile mind, so it often fails.
Can you accept that you are just an ordinary person who is not good? If not, what should I do?
- How do perfectionists change their minds and stop being glass-hearted?
In "Happiness Beyond Perfection," Tyler Ben-Shahar pointed out that only when you stop striving for perfection can you start a truly happy life.
What? You want me to give up the three views that I have always adhered to and be a piece of crap? This is the first reaction many people see when they see this view.
No, no, it's not about letting you eat and wait to die in the future to be completely Buddhist, but to look at things from a different perspective, live life with a different attitude, and realize the transformation from a perfectionist to an "optimist".
Can you accept that you are just an ordinary person who is not good? If not, what should I do?
What is an "optimalist"?
①Able to accept failure
Perfectionists believe that the road of life should be as straight as possible, because it can quickly achieve goals and improve efficiency. Once the line deviates, perfectionists will be annoyed and blame themselves.
They don't see that it's just an illusion that everything in life is under control, and that even if it takes a lot of effort to do it, it can make people feel anxious and fatigued.
On the contrary, the optimalists believe that the journey of life can be an irregular curve, mistakes and setbacks are the scenery along the way, and they are all experiences for oneself.
Perfectionists fear failure, and optimalists see failure as feedback; perfectionists focus on the end, and optimalists focus on the end and the process.
They know that while running towards the "goal", they also need to enjoy everything beautiful in the "process". Because true happiness is not the temporary excitement of adrenaline rushing when you achieve your goals, but the time when you make the most of your abilities in the process of achieving your goals.
Can you accept that you are just an ordinary person who is not good? If not, what should I do?
②Be able to accept emotions
Perfectionists believe that in order to live well, you must be full of positive energy every day.
Therefore, when encountering setbacks and bad emotions, perfectionists tend to blame themselves and want to drive away their emotions quickly. As a result, the more they think like this, the more they can't do it, and they waste a lot of time and energy.
Optimists accept that negative emotions are an inevitable part of life. They regard themselves as a flesh and blood person, allow themselves to experience the taste of pain, and accompany their "negative energy" self unconditionally.
Maybe a cup of tea, maybe after a walk and music, she felt empowered to get on with her work again.
Can you accept that you are just an ordinary person who is not good? If not, what should I do?
③Able to enjoy success
Perfectionists set themselves a lot of goals and force themselves to accomplish them quickly.
Then, they hurried to the next target. They don't give themselves enough time to rest and savor small successes, because even if a certain goal is achieved, it does not mean that they are good enough and have to keep working hard.
Optimists also set goals for themselves, but their goals are realistic, attainable, and happy with every little achievement.
Because, in their hearts, they are already a good enough person, and they don't need to work hard to give themselves extra points.
Can you accept that you are just an ordinary person who is not good? If not, what should I do?
- How do perfectionists fix themselves at work and in life?
In the movie "Life Remote Control", the protagonist Mike wants to achieve his career goals, so he ignores everything that has nothing to do with work, including family and love.
After obtaining a remote control that can fast-forward his life, he chose to go straight to the top of his life without hesitation, but found that standing on the top of the mountain actually had nothing, and he did not have the joy and happiness of success.
And the family and love that he left behind also stayed away from him forever. Although there is no such remote control in our hands, there are not many people who neglect their relatives, lovers and friends in order to work.
To change our "perfectionism", we must practice little by little in our lives.
Can you accept that you are just an ordinary person who is not good? If not, what should I do?
First, be willing to believe that “done is better than perfect.”
Completion is better than perfection, the phrase is emblazoned on the walls of Facebook's headquarters.
How long has it been since you called your friends back home? Why, is it worried about being embarrassed and being cold, or afraid that I don't have enough time today. Finally, today and tomorrow, your feelings are gradually estranged.
In fact, this is also a kind of perfectionism. You want to have a perfect phone call, which can deepen each other's feelings without embarrassing scenes, and at the same time perfectly fit your time gap. But this is not possible.
Now, with the idea of "done is better than perfect", make this call, which may be a short 10-minute call, but it will make you feel warm to each other.
Can you accept that you are just an ordinary person who is not good? If not, what should I do?
Second, treat mistakes as gains
Teacher Li Xiaolai mentioned an experiment: find a transparent glass bottle, put flies and bees in it, and let the bottom of the bottle face a sunny place. Then you observe. The behavior of the two insects is different:
The bee is very directional, and when it sees the light, it will desperately hit the bottom of the bottle, thinking that this is the way out, so it will hit hard until it has no strength to die. The fly is different. It will Duang!Duang!Duang! How did it come out? I don't know, it came out anyway.
In fact, every mistake in our life is like this. It seems to be an ineffective effort and a waste of time. In fact, without such precious trial and error, you will never know which path is best for you.
Can you accept that you are just an ordinary person who is not good? If not, what should I do?
The biggest mistake a person can make is the fear of making mistakes. All but the biggest mistake are not mistakes.
Happiness is a process, not an end, and the biggest stumbling block in our road to happiness is perfectionism.
You think it is a good teacher and friend to urge you to move forward, but in fact it is a trap that causes your anxiety and pain.
When we change from perfectionism to "optimism", the glass heart can become Iron Man, and then you will find that thinking too much will not make you happy. On the contrary, the more you complete, the happier you will be, and the more "mistakes" you will have. The happier!