How parents communicate with children
In life, parents always like to ask, why doesn't the child listen to me? How can I make the child listen? And the child will complain about the parents, why the parents always don't listen to me, and how to let the parents enter my world Listen to me? So how do parents communicate with their children?
How parents communicate with children
How parents communicate with children
In today's society, more and more people begin to pay attention to the parent-child relationship. Many families do not have a harmonious parent-child relationship, mainly because parents do not think from the perspective of children, and children do not know how to be considerate and understand their parents.
Parents think more about what to say so that their children can listen, but in fact, how to listen can make children willing to tell us, which is also an important part of the parent-child relationship.
And adults are often not good listeners. The following conversations in life situations reflect the four mistakes that adults are prone to make.
①
"I will never play with xxx again!"
"You don't think so, you are best friends."
"xxx is a rotten egg! I'm going to beat him up!"
"You can't say that, you can't hit someone, it's rude."
- Denying the child's feelings
②
"My pen is missing."
"Who made you litter!"
——A criticism blocked the child's words back...
How parents communicate with children
How parents communicate with children
Many times, we do not really "hear" the child, but are eager to evaluate, reason, and solve problems. But for children, being "heard" is more important than solving problems.
When children's feelings are always denied or ignored, they will feel sad and angry, and gradually, they are reluctant to speak.
Therefore, most children block their hearts a little bit and are reluctant to communicate with their parents, not because they don't want to open up, but because they subconsciously reject their parents and don't believe that they can handle problems from their own standpoint. How parents communicate with children
Adele Farber, an internationally renowned parent-child communication expert, gave 3 listening tips in her book, which the editor finds very useful:
Use "Oh" and "That's it" instead of comments and suggestions;
replace "deny feelings" with "speak your child's feelings";
Replace the logical explanation with "fantasy way of fulfilling wishes".
With these 3 tips, the previous 4 scenes will become completely different. Of course, when speaking, remember to put down what you are doing, look into the child's eyes, and say "oh~" "this is it~" in a positive tone, so that the child has the desire to continue talking, instead of using a perfunctory tone Send the child away.
How parents communicate with children
How parents communicate with children
①
"I will never play with xxx again!"
"xxx did something that made you angry."
"I really want to hit him!"
"You are so angry."
"He broke my picture book."
"Oh~"
"That picture book has my favorite Princess Elsa."
"If only I had magic to glue the picture books together."
"We can stick with tape!"
④
"My pen is missing."
"Oh~"
"I remember putting it on the table, but I can't find it."
"yes?"
"I don't have a pen when I'm in class."
"Is that so..."
"I've lost two pens, and I'm going to put them in the stationery box so I don't lose them."
Although we can't be a very good listener every time, at least keep an introspection and keep these three methods in mind. Next time, when you are about to blurt out some words, bear with it and tell yourself that it is not the most important thing to educate your children and solve problems, but to "hear" the children. How parents communicate with children
When we refuse to listen to our children, we can do great harm to them.
How parents communicate with children
How parents communicate with children
hurt one
Refusing to listen to a child can make the child feel insignificant and even the target of bullying in school.
The child will say, I don't want to talk to you, and you won't listen.
Gradually, the child will feel that his thoughts and opinions are not important at all, and that he is an insignificant person.
Once a child enters school or society with such an idea, he still does not and dare not express his ideas, and gradually he may become the target of bullying by others
Parents who don’t listen to their children’s inner thoughts are the biggest disapproval of their children. How parents communicate with children
How parents communicate with children
How parents communicate with children
injury two
Refusing to listen to the child will make the child become more and more silent, and once the door is closed, it will be difficult to open it again.
After many children enter puberty, many of the secrets in their hearts are reluctant to tell their parents. Parents are more distressed, but they use the excuse of "the child is old, the wings are hard, and they can't control it" to comfort themselves.
Why don't we think about it, why children suddenly don't want to talk to us, didn't we chat and ask questions every day when we were young?
The main reason is that children feel that there is no point in telling their parents.
How parents communicate with children
How parents communicate with children
injury three
Refusing to listen to the child will make the child feel insecure, and it will be difficult for him to have the courage and strength to face life.
We strive to give children the best material conditions, we create the best educational environment for children, and hope that children can become adults.
However, one of the most important things we need to do for children is to make them feel safe. This is the cornerstone of a child's growth. Without a sense of security, everything is empty talk.
Some parents may think, "I'm not like this, I let the child finish every time, but why is the child still reluctant to communicate with me now?"
The real reason may be that we are not really listening. How parents communicate with children
How parents communicate with children
How parents communicate with children
What is true listening
01Be obedient, don't just listen to half of it, let the child finish talking.
I once saw such a little story: a reporter interviewed a kindergarten child and asked him: If you are on a plane, the plane finds that there is no fuel on the way, but there is only one parachute bag on the plane, what do you think this parachute bag should be? to whom?
The child immediately replied: Of course it is for me. At this time, the audience laughed, thinking how could this child have such selfish thoughts at such a young age. Then the reporter asked: Why do you think this parachute bag is going to be given to you? The child replied: Because I want to take this parachute bag to get fuel.
Therefore, when we are communicating with our children, no matter what the children say, we have to calm ourselves and listen to the children finish what they have to say. It is very possible that when you hear the last sentence, you will know that before you how wrong the idea is. How parents communicate with children
02 Don't impose your own ideas on the child, and comment on the child's ideas at will.
Jeffrey Bernstein once said in "Treason is not the fault of the child": "Listening is the key, listening to the child is not the same as telling the child what to do, there must be a spirit of selfless dedication, listening without selfish thoughts, Don't be in a rush to draw conclusions about your child."
Anxious to draw conclusions to children is a common problem of many parents. We are always used to standing on the commanding heights, evaluating the ideas of children, and then pointing out a "way out" for children that we think is right. However, is this road what children want? , we rarely care.
For example, some children will suddenly tell their parents, "I don't want to go to school." When their parents heard it, they exploded, "How can you not want to go to school? Then what do you want to do? How can you live without education in the future, you can't support yourself, how can we expect you?"
The parents talked a lot, and then the child went to school aggrieved, and the parents felt that they had solved a big problem.
However, have parents ever thought about why their children don't want to go to school? Maybe he was bullied by his classmates at school, or maybe he was wronged by the teacher yesterday. He said he didn't want to go to school, but he was just venting his emotions. If the parents asked the reason clearly, let the child vent Come out, he will be fine. How parents communicate with children
However, the parents just evaluated the child directly and then sent the child back to school. In fact, the problem was not really solved.
When children transmit information to their parents, many times they do not want their parents to solve the problem, but just hope to get their parents' understanding and find an outlet to vent.
03Listen to the emotions behind the language and learn to empathize with children.
Adele Farber once said: "If parents can really listen to their children's narrative, children can easily express the difficulties they face, and sometimes what children need is that we can empathize with them."
The words spoken by many children are not casual, but often have deep meanings.
Therefore, we can't just think according to the literal meaning, but to find the emotions behind it, and then understand the child and feel the child. According to the content of the child's expression, give the child a positive response and attention, face it together with the child, and achieve "same frequency resonance" with the child. How parents communicate with children
How parents communicate with children
How parents communicate with children
When a child says he is sad, parents should understand why the child feels sad. For example, "Why are you sad? Is it because you didn't pass the exam? Or did someone say something about you?"
After that, we can choose to hug the child. In fact, no matter what happens, even if the child does something wrong, as long as the child feels sad, it means that he is injured. Reassure the child, and then think about how to deal with the problem and help the child heal.
In this way, children will gain a sense of security in the process of interacting with their parents, thus more and more revealing their inner world to their parents.
So, true listening is not just listening to what the child says, but listening to the child's feelings. Listening carefully to what the child says and feeling the emotions behind the child's language will make the child feel loved and respected, and thus feel the value of their existence.
"Parents love their children, and their plans are far-reaching." If we really want our children to grow up healthily and happily, then we need to listen carefully to children's ideas, let them feel the meaning of existence, and return the right to speak. Children, while we shut our mouths and try to be good listeners.
Finally, two words for parents:
Parents who cannot grow up with their children are not good parents.
The most successful family education is when children grow up and are still willing to talk to their parents.