A few days ago, a friend asked me for help: "What should I do if a colleague keeps bullying me? He threw me his job and took credit for my work results to the leader. Recently, I heard that the leader is going to give him a promotion. What should I do?"

When I heard such a question, my first reaction was: "Why don't you refuse?" However, if you think about it carefully, if the question was so simple, he would have been relieved. So, based on what I knew about him, I tentatively asked, " Are you a good-natured person in the company and don't know how to reject others? " My friend repeatedly said yes, and kept asking, "How do you know that ?" ?"

In fact, this phenomenon is very common.

Whether in life or in the workplace, we can often see such a type of people: they almost never refuse other people's requests, as long as others ask, they all follow. They are the living Lei Feng in the eyes of others, and the real heroes who save people from misery. This kind of person, we usually call "good old man".

Moreover, it is not just ordinary people who are deeply disturbed, even celebrities are not immune. For example, the talented girl Jiang Fangzhou revealed on the show: " I will not show my angry side, although I have accumulated a lot of dissatisfaction with others and want to refute. "

As the saying goes: "People who are good are bullied by others, and horses who are good are ridden by others".

They behaved so kindly, but they didn't get the kindness they deserved. They either made successful wedding dresses for others, or brought more harm to themselves. Friends around him bully him, but he won't get angry anyway; colleagues around him throw complicated work to him, but he won't refuse anyway; even relatives will make excessive demands on him, and he doesn't know how to do it anyway. resist.

As psychologist Jacqui Masson said in "The Lovely Curse": " Since you yourself are willing to be called by others, others will take you for granted. "

So why are they so inclined to please others? There are three reasons

1. The way of pleasing in childhood is engraved in the amygdala, which leads to the adoption of the way of childhood when encountering similar things

Austrian psychologist Alfred Adler said: "The lucky people are healed by childhood, and the unfortunate are healed by childhood."

In fact, the good man is the "unfortunate one". The earliest reason why people become good people can be traced back to childhood, when they were young and unable to do anything about the anger of the people around them, if the anger of people around them hurt them, the good people as children could do almost nothing. At this point, they have only one option - to avoid everything that might irritate others and try their best to please them.

As a result, the good old man quickly mastered this set of mental methods and passed his childhood safely through pleasing methods. Later, although they had grown up and had better ways of coping, their ingratiating way of dealing with interpersonal relationships was recorded in the amygdala, and they would still use ingratiating ways when faced with similar things.

2. Outdated cognitions remain subconscious and evolve into habitual behaviors

In this era of close communication between people, people have formulated many rules. For example, when you see a teacher, you should say, "Hello, teacher!" When you accept help from others, you should say, "Thank you!" These rules help us survive better. , avoids a lot of trouble and trouble, but the problem is that over time, some rules have become outdated and we are still using them.

For example, some parents tell their children: "Tear off a small corner of the money you find and spend it as soon as possible, otherwise bad things will happen". Young children take it for granted, and do what their parents say when they pick up money, and even if they grow up and understand that "picking up money" and "bad things happen" have no causal relationship at all, they will follow this set of rules. .

Because these rules have been deeply imprinted in our subconscious, if we don't take them out and re-examine them, they will always affect us. As for the flatterers, their parents may have told them when they were young: "To help others, be kind to others", this set of rules has been imprinted in the hearts of the flatterers. Whenever the flatterers want to refuse, in their minds The words of the parents always come up: "To help others, to be kind to others."

3. Reluctance to face conflicting situations and avoid real problems in a pleasing way

Most of the good people please, mainly to escape tension and negative emotions. They don't like to face conflict, and as soon as they sense a conflict might arise, they change the way they do things.

For example, they refuse to complain about the service of the restaurant, refuse to return goods in the store, refuse to argue with others, etc. In their daily life, they will try to stay away from places and activities that are prone to conflicts.

Their flattery comes more from their inner fear. They are afraid that if they do not flatter others, they will be punished and bad things will happen. But most of the time this is just unfounded worry, they are completely trapped by the trap they have made!

What should I do if I find myself a "good guy who doesn't know how to say no and likes to please others"?

1. Listen to your inner voice and find out the voice behind the "good old man"

As we mentioned earlier, the reason why "good guys" are reluctant to reject others is because the way of doing things in the past has been engraved in their minds. They are like a fully-armed thug, forcing you to make a pleasing gesture and not allowing you Act according to what is really in your heart.

For example, you are busy with work, and a colleague suddenly comes over to you and says, "Hey, do me a favor, I have too much work today! Help me with the form!" When you hear someone needs help, you Two voices immediately appeared in my mind. Voice A said: "My colleague is in need and should lend a helping hand"; Voice B said, "But, I am also very busy right now!"

For ordinary people, the volume of both is about the same, and they will weigh it before making a rational decision. For the good old man, the volume of the former is much higher than that of the latter, so they obey the arrangement of the former.

But if you pause for a moment and listen carefully to this voice, you will find that they are not their own voices, but the words of parents, teachers, or some elder or friend. Although these people are not with us now, their influence on us is still in play.

You can write down all these critical words, then think about who said those words to you, and see if you can recall someone saying this to you before. Once you realize that these voices are not your own, but from others, you will immediately question with your rational adult brain.

Former England rugby player Brian Moore, for example, was plagued by these voices, preventing him from enjoying his life. These voices kept telling him: "You're just exercising well, it's no big deal". Later, Brian Moore imagined these voices as the monsters in "The Lord of the Rings", first thanking it for the "reminder", and then saying to it: "Now, you can go." From then on, out of the predicament.

2. Reject "rigid personal rules" and turn "should" into "can"

The practice of turning "should" into "can" is mentioned in Aaron Baker's "Cognitive Behavioral Therapy". Baker argues that "problematic emotional states are caused by 'rigid personal rules' that are 'black and white' and never give people a choice."

For example, as a good old man, the 'rigid personal rule' that they uphold is: " I should be a person who can bring happiness and help others, and under no circumstances should I reject others and make others feel unhappy. "

So, when the good guy rejects people and argues with others, they not only feel bad, but also have a strong sense of frustration—because he broke his own rules.

To make matters worse, the good guys even have some images flashing through their minds after rejecting others: because they refused to help coworkers, coworkers would disagree with him, or isolate him outright. It is these extreme thoughts that trap the good old people in fear and force them to please others.

So what happens if you change "should" to "could"?

For example, if it is also helping others, "I can help others" is much more relaxed, and the nervous nerves feel relaxed.

"Should" is more of a coercion that robs us of the choices and the joy we have to make. When he appears frequently in your life, you will feel trapped in an invisible cage, and you will be overwhelmed.

And "yes" gives us more options, I can help others, or I can refuse others, it all depends on my own decision-making, not those shabby rules.

3. Challenge the "possible fear" and get out of the "conditioned reflex"

The psychologist Pavlov once conducted a conditioning experiment: before each feeding, some signals were sent out, and after repeated many times in a row, the dogs would salivate when they heard the signal, even though they did not see the food. .

In fact, the same is true for us humans. If we suffered a lot of conflict-induced fears in childhood, we will also form a conditioned reflex. Once we find that something may lead to conflict, we will immediately flee or try to avoid conflict.

For example, when you were a child, you were scolded and beaten for rejecting others, and left a fear in your heart. Then, when you grow up, you will still be afraid of rejecting others, even though no one will be afraid of being rejected. I scolded you for refusing.

The key to cracking "conditioned indulgence" is to challenge those possible fears to verify that those fears actually exist. For example, the mental premise of a good man might be: "If you reject people, people will hate me". The way to use the fear of challenge is to try saying "no" to others and see if it really works as you expect .

The next time a colleague asks you for help, you can try to say no: "I'm sorry, I'm also busy right now, I really don't have time." See how the colleague will react, whether it's mad at you for it, or not caring , but you think too much.

It is worth noting that most of the time when they ask others for help, they are actually ready to be rejected. It's just that the good guys are caught in the "rejection equals disaster" trap, so they can't say the word "no" for a long time. The most effective way to get out of the trap is to slowly pick those possible fears in a safe environment.

Lincoln said: "The horror in reality is far less terrifying than the horror in imagination." In fact, most of the time, the pictures that the good people worry about will not happen, and even if they do, people can bear those negative consequences.

When we were young, our elders always taught us: "People's hearts are in exchange. If you treat others well, others will treat you later."

When I grow up, I realize that this may just be a wish and extravagance. In more cases, not everyone knows how to cherish your kindness, and your kindness cannot be exchanged for sincerity.

When we were surrounded by white-eyed wolves who could eat people without spitting out bones, we had to wear heavy armor.

I'm not trying to persuade everyone to be indifferent, I just want to tell these "good guys":

It is your kindness to help others, but it is also your right to refuse others.